Here we go again

As I was driving down through Lexington today and I noticed candy canes already hung on the street lights. I went into the department store and I noticed the familiar sound and smell of the Holidays. Santa figurines on display and the smell of gingerbread candles on the shelf. Yep, it is hard to believe that in less than 10 weeks Christmas will be here. Thanksgiving is just around the corner too. It only seems like yesterday that we were taking the ribbon down that we had wrapped around the 500 poles on my porch (OK, only 20, but when your wrapping ribbon around it seems like 500) But then again, it seems like only yesterday that we buried our son. You see Christmas or even thanksgiving is not the same anymore, as a matter of fact, nothing is the same for me anymore. Now, before you go oh, that's not what Christmas is about, and you should be thankful for what you have, I know these things. As our current series in Church "how to be rich" I realize I am very blessed and I am very rich. But you see the mother in me longs for the voice of my son. The mother in me longs for him coming in and asking for something to eat because he has not slowed down to get something, or he has spent all his money and had none. The mother in me has a huge hole in my heart and the pain some days is so unbearable that I can not breath. Ashley and I took my great nephews to the movies the other day and we had a ball. Cole the oldest, reminds me so much of Kenny when he was little that it almost is painful to even be around him some days. He is so full of life and virtually scared of nothing. As soon as we walked in the door straight to the video games. But as we sat there, I looked at Ashley and could not control the memories of her and Kenny when her dad and I would take them to the movies. Or that on Christmas Eve no matter how young or old Ashley and Kenny were they would sleep in the same room and wait on Santa. Half the time they could not make it all night. I recall many of times, I would just lay in bed and listen to them laugh and cut up, just wishing they would go to sleep so I could go and put their toys out. So for me Christmas is no longer the same, and no matter how many times I tell myself that Christmas is for God and the precious Gift he gave us in Jesus. I still struggle with the fact that I can not help but be sad knowing that no matter how bad I want it and no matter how hard I pray, the voices of Kenny and Ashley laughing on Christmas eve is now just a precious memory that I will forever have.